As long as you are in becoming, you will always feel a need to become something, and you will have only momentary pauses, for that you become is never who you are. Consistent peace arises only in recognition of and acceptance that you are. When you are exhausted with becoming, you relax in being, then you realize you cannot become anything or anyone. That is a beautiful moment! I have seen this often when persons are undergoing physical death, so we need to die before we die, meaning die to trying to become.

Why, then, do we keep trying to become something, someone, even in our spiritual practice?

One could reply, "For one fears the freedom of being." Or, "One fears nonbeing; that is, that one will cease to be if one releases the effort to become." Either way, this leads to a ceaseless effort.

What's the purpose of the effort?

To try to confirm that one is, in one case. In the other, to try to avoid the freedom that one is. In the first case, if one confirms he or she is, the next trick of self is to move to the second case, to extend effort outwardly to avoid the freedom of being by always being in a state of becoming. One, then, cannot relax in simply I am, for he or she is trying to add something to confirm this I am; one is I aming, and this takes a lot of energy.

Any advice?

Yes, return to the Self, who you, who we together, are always, already.

What's this Self?

Take all you think yourself to be, remove it, what is left is the one Self. Meditation, and the path overall, is not meant to add anything to you, but remove what you are not.

What about the fear?

Stop running from the fear, sit with it, and the fear will transform into a friend. Likewise, stop chasing after becoming something or someone, and the Self will spontaneously confirm Its presence.

* * *

i'm sitting on the ground
'this feels groundless'
'what if I fall'
'what if nothing is there'
'what if i'm nothing'
'i must do something, and now'

i build a floor
i extend the floor
piece by piece
this and that from and to infinity

i'm sitting on my floor
my floor on top of the ground
i need to extend my floor
which gives me only temporary satisfaction
a short lived sense of final security
'when will this end'
'i'm exhausted'
'this seems futile'
'i'm confused'
'there's got to be a better way'

what if this is it...
no where and nowhere to fall
the ground the ground of all this solidifying
gathering of more connections outside
to provide a sense of security inside
that i'm someone, something, real
all this work, why ~ fear of nonbeing ~
i see this, but cannot seem to stop

'maybe i should just laugh at this'

"Yes!"
'did i just say that, or someone else'
'does it matter'
'i guess not'

and one finds
in the laughter is no need
for escape
infinity has gone nowhere
the Ground upon which i extend my ground

but Oh! the relief!
the moment i see
i have nowhere to be or not to be
and that i cannot not be

and Wow! the joy!
in this simple relaxing
doing nothing beyond
doing nothing or doing something

and Yes! it's okay
when i see again
i'm seeking outside what is inside ~
inside everywhere

knowing inside and outside
i see is just the play of this
one glorious Cosmic Joke being played
on you and me

so, don't try to escape
freedom is not in some state outside ~
there is no ladder to climb
there is no journey to take
there is no nowhere or somewhere to get to
there is no something or someone to become ~
but playing where there is no outside or inside ~
become the play, you are

and, then, in the Silence
stillness and movement, calm and commotion are one Dance
nothing and no one being inside or outside
this wondrous mandala Life ~ your life, my life, our life

is beyond even God or not-God
yet equally holding all in Love

for the suchness of all things
is This

now, isn't this almost too good to be true
too simple actually to work
but It is
"It Is!"

did i just say that...
"Yes. ... It Is!"

*Brian Wilcox. 'Primordial Purity'. Flickr

*(C)Brian K. Wilcox, 2019